A Rumored City

A Look Around the Estate

A significant birthday approaches: An age we euphemistically refer to as middle life; although not many people will live twice as long. I suspect I have entered the last third of my life span.  Perhaps now is the time to take survey of what has gone before and what's to come.

I  should have used my father's life as an example: a quiet, honest man, mostly sinned against than sinning. He lived in modest happiness towards the end of his life - dying quietly, alone at home; just as in living, he bothered no one in death. My ambitions were much broader. I wanted a literary life but settled instead for business and wealth. Somewhere in that transformation from the earnest, principled and literary boy to a hedonistic, head-strong and intractable man I have lost the essence of my core. I'm proud of the youthful me but I live in fear of what the youthful me would think of the man that I have become.

There are many pluses. The career has been highly successful. There's enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life (what recession?). I'm fitter than men half my age. Health is good so far. On the debit side of the ledger I have failed rather badly at personal relationships. The woman I loved more than anything was lost due to my inability to express true emotions (couldn't she see that this was a behavior learned over many years?). My life-long friends went by the wayside because I was either too head-strong, unforgiving or uncaring and did my best to be unlovable.

Well where does that leave me? The balance is firmly tilted to the debit side. There's only a third of life left and I will try and pick up the pieces as best as I can.

Posted at 01:25PM Aug 27, 2009 by Horatio in General  |  Comments[0]